Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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