Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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