I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Who put my cat in the fridge?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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