Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
