All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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