I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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