life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
