I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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