Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
