so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
