I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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