i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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