it was like his penis was on wheels.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
