The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize