i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
