so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
