yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
