I wish I could teleport
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
