i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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