someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
