please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
