my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
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In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
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The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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