Me. At least after what I've been through.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
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as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
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And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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