so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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