had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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