I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
