and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
