Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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