My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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