Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
