well I can't set my house on fire every night
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
