Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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