I think i sorta joined a cult last night
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
