Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
