Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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