he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
