Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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