There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
