i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
