ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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