I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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