I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
