I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My pussy is not your playground.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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