Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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