she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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