did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Come on in and take your pants off
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