U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
