I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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