between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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