nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
