You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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