I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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