im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
