I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
