I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
