Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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